From birth, the bonding experience is life changing. Even a baby reaches out for his/her mother’s breast upon entering the world. Why? This is natural. There is a vast difference between children and adults who feel safe and securely attached versus those who are anxious, fearful and insecurely attached. When you form insecure attachments, you are often anxious and insecure. I wrote a professional blog several years back titled,“Born to Connect: The Neurobiology of Attachment and Early Trauma” that delves more into the power of human connection and how childhood attachment impacts relationships and the neurobiology of the brain over time.
The Anxiety and Depression Association for America reports that anxiety disorders are the most common mental illnesses in the U.S. affecting 40 million adults of those 18 years of age or older. At least 18% of the population is affected yearly. It all begins with safe healthy relationships.
Let’s discuss 5 reasons why feeling safe is the key to building healthy relationships.
1. When you feel safe, you develop secure attachments in relationships– The human attachment theory says, “we are born to connect.” The reality is, the need to feel connected is a part of our genetic makeup. In essence, we are neuro- biologically wired to connect. It is unnatural and even toxic for us to feel unsafe in relationships for long periods of time.
Many of you may have heard the fight, flight, and freeze analogy. Dr. Nadine Burke Harris (new Surgeon General of California) says it best in her groundbreaking book, “The Deepest Well: Healing the Long-Term Effects of Childhood Adversity,” and also in her viral Ted Talk, “How childhood trauma affects health across a lifetime.” When she discussed the adverse childhood experience (ACE) study and how exposure to early adversity affects the developing brains and bodies of children, she suggests that if you were to suddenly see a bear approaching you, your instincts may tell you to fight or flight. At a time like this your body releases stress hormones, adrenaline, cortisol and your heart may even start racing due to fear, and that is when you go into survival mode and get ready to fight or flight. However, we are not meant to stay in this state on a daily basis because it takes a toll on the body and damages our brain and ability to function over time. We are born to securely attach and feel safe.
2. You allow yourself space to be vulnerable– When you feel safe in a relationship, you can allow yourself the space to be vulnerable enough to share your truth, your pain, or even your mistakes and feel safe while doing it. If you encounter judgment or you are misunderstood, you feel safe enough in that relationship to address it. Researcher and social worker Dr. Brene’ Brown discusses human connections in her life changing book and viral Ted Talk, “The power of vulnerability.” Her research suggests that embracing vulnerability is “essential to wholehearted living.” When we are in a safe relationship we are more likely to embrace vulnerability so that we can be authentic in that relationship.
3. You can be honest– When you feel safe you can be honest in a way that does not intentionally offend others and at the same time it also allows you the freedom of expression to be you. You can do this by surrounding yourself with safe people and by remembering to watch your tone, body language and approach when speaking. We are all humans with real feelings, so words can hurt. Learn to embrace who you are and what you believe without losing relationships, jobs or employees along the way. Remember, you can be both right and wrong at the same time if you are not careful in your approach. One key point to remember is, people can often be tolerant if you speak without offending and listen without defending (reread this one a few times and let it sink in), this is a key element to speaking and listening successfully.
4. You are able to trust others-Trust is critical in any relationship. When you feel safe enough to trust others you learn the importance of becoming a safe person so that others can trust you. When you understand the power of feeling safe in a relationship, you can appreciate how it makes you feel and in return you will only want others to feel safe in your presence. This concept is no different than the old adage, “treat others the way you want to be treated.” Being able to trust others is liberating. Everyone should have people in their corner that they can trust.
5. You can live your truth– When you feel safe, you can experience being in a healthy relationship because you have finally learned to live your truth. When you are living your truth you can be authentic, live your purpose, reach for the stars, have no limits (except for the ones you put on yourselves), express your viewpoint, make mistakes and get back up and keep it moving. You can focus your energy on changing the world to make it a better place. Just because you view the world a little differently doesn’t mean you should be bullied, excluded, rejected or disrespected. If God wanted us to all be the same he would have made us clones of each other. Instead, he made us each unique gems. I guarantee you there is no one on earth that thinks or acts exactly like you, and you know what? You need to accept who you are so that others can learn to accept you too! Stop trying to copy or be someone else. It is exhausting and unfulfilling. One of the most beautiful parts of you is your uniqueness so embrace it. Be the best you that you can be and shine!
In conclusion, without connection it is difficult to ever truly feel safe. We are wired to connect. As a result, being securely attached is essential for our well-being. Consequently, we need to allow ourselves space to be vulnerable, honest, trust others and live our truth. Then and only then will we be able to live our best lives and fully embrace ourselves as long as we are not intentionally hurting others in the process. Remember a safe relationship is the key that opens the door to building healthy relationships.
